I am two months and five days post op today.

I am 71 pounds down from my highest weight.

I am 51 pounds down from my surgery day weight.

But I still feel like a fat girl.

I am constantly hearing people tell me how different I look, how much weight they’ve noticed I’ve lost, how “healthy” I’m looking. My clothes are baggy and sloppy looking, I can cross my legs with ease, I can sit on the sky train without feeling self conscious that I’m spilling into the seat of the person next to me. But despite all of this when I stand in the mirror and look at my body, I don’t see anything different. Especially in my face. I feel like my face is as chubby and puffy as ever.

I worry that I won’t be able to ever feel thinner. The feeling of being smaller is escaping me. I have a friend who lost a tremendous amount of weight on her own over the past few years. She has been a huge supporter of my quest to lose weight, she told me before, and she has reassured me since that I won’t see it when I look in the mirror. That my brain isn’t going to be capable of understanding that I’ve lost this weight.

So for now I have to focus on the small things. I’m focusing on the fact that the men in my life are paying attention to me in a way that they probably would not have pre-surgery. I have to focus on the fact that I have no pants that fit so I have to stick to wearing tights. I have to focus on the fact that I quit a job last week that I’ve hated for months, but didn’t quit because my self-worth was so low that I didn’t think I deserved any better. I’m unemployed with no prospects, but I’m healthy and I’m happy.

I have to continually remind myself that my perception is not reality. My thinking is warped from years of being obese. I’ve trained my body to act differently, now it’s time to start training my mind.