Meet Me Halfway

I’ve been awol.

Being unemployed really took the wind out of my sails (among other things), and I just didn’t feel like expressing any of my feelings because they were almost all negative.  But now I’m in a better head space. I have good people around me, one in particular who continues to be continually positive, even when I don’t necessarily deserve it.

So here I am, nearly 4 months post op. 84 pounds of weight that I’ll never see again.  66 pounds until I’ve met my ultimate goal. The thought is crazy. If you would have asked me a year ago if I thought I’d be 84 pounds lighter I would have called you a liar. But here I am. I would have been a freshman in high school the last time I was this weight.

Aside from feeling lighter, there are so many physical aspects that I’m starting to notice.

  • I can run in kickboxing, and keep up in general
  • I can cross my legs with ease
  • When I’m stretching I can bring my knees up to my chest
  • Every single piece of clothing I own is loose
  • Even my shoes are loose
  • I have visible collar bones
  • *TMI* I can be on top during sex and not feel self conscious

Of course there are a few downsides;

  • I’m losing insane amounts of hair (I knew this would happen and I’m dealing with it the best way I can)
  • I have no tits or ass anymore (they were the first things to go)
  • I am lacking iron, so I have massive under eye circles
  • Since all of my clothes are loose everything looks kind of sloppy, but I refuse to buy a ton of new clothes until I’m where I’ll be maintaining.

I just want to touch on the hair loss for a minute. The hair loss business has been really hard for me. This is probably because I’m a girl that had jungle hair. I had an abundance of thick, coarse, curly hair. It has thinned out like crazy, and I was getting to the point where after a shower I would have to inspect my scalp because the handfuls that were coming out in the shower were outrageous.  My doctor explained that this would be temporary, that it’s very common starting between month 3-4. So I’ve done what I can do to deal with it. I’ve cut a solid 6 inches off (it was nearly waist length), I’ve made sure I’m taking enough zinc and biotin, and I’ve started using Nioxin. Having worked in the beauty industry before I know that Nioxin doesn’t make your hair grow. People have this misconception that they can use it and all of a sudden they’ll have beautiful, lush hair. That’s not the case. What it does it removes all of the gunk on your scalp and creates an optimal environment for your hair to grow. So for someone like me it’s perfect, but if you’re bald it’s not gonna make your hair come back. It’s a three step system and I seriously recommend it.


But to be quite honest, the hair loss and the changes are completely worth the energy I feel, and the longer life I know I’m going to have because of it. I’m half way there and excited for the rest of this challenge.


Perception vs. Reality

I am two months and five days post op today.

I am 71 pounds down from my highest weight.

I am 51 pounds down from my surgery day weight.

But I still feel like a fat girl.

I am constantly hearing people tell me how different I look, how much weight they’ve noticed I’ve lost, how “healthy” I’m looking. My clothes are baggy and sloppy looking, I can cross my legs with ease, I can sit on the sky train without feeling self conscious that I’m spilling into the seat of the person next to me. But despite all of this when I stand in the mirror and look at my body, I don’t see anything different. Especially in my face. I feel like my face is as chubby and puffy as ever.

I worry that I won’t be able to ever feel thinner. The feeling of being smaller is escaping me. I have a friend who lost a tremendous amount of weight on her own over the past few years. She has been a huge supporter of my quest to lose weight, she told me before, and she has reassured me since that I won’t see it when I look in the mirror. That my brain isn’t going to be capable of understanding that I’ve lost this weight.

So for now I have to focus on the small things. I’m focusing on the fact that the men in my life are paying attention to me in a way that they probably would not have pre-surgery. I have to focus on the fact that I have no pants that fit so I have to stick to wearing tights. I have to focus on the fact that I quit a job last week that I’ve hated for months, but didn’t quit because my self-worth was so low that I didn’t think I deserved any better. I’m unemployed with no prospects, but I’m healthy and I’m happy.

I have to continually remind myself that my perception is not reality. My thinking is warped from years of being obese. I’ve trained my body to act differently, now it’s time to start training my mind.