The Supreme Zen of an Empty Gym

So I had a rough three weeks. Three weeks that involved eating lots of sugar, skipping out on kickboxing and generally indulging myself to the point where I felt icky. Icky because I felt like I got way too comfortable. But I’ve managed to get back on the wagon. The Fitbit is back on, every exercise and morsel of food is being logged in my fitness pal, and I’m back to working out regularly.

I also came to a very surprise realization. I don’t hate running or the treadmill. Continue reading

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I had planed to write a big long schpeel about being one year post op. And then I was clicking through the VSG vlogs that I enjoy watching and I saw LessOfSarah’s latest video. Dr. Aceves, who performed countless bariatric surgeries including my own passed away. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel absolutely gutted. I’ve heard before that people can have a certain “messiah complex” when it comes to their surgeons. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I saw Dr. Aceves as my savior, but I did and still do credit him as the man who gave me the tools to take back control over my life. Continue reading

Back in “The John”

The Fort St. John that is, although I’m starting to realize that it has a lot in common with it’s slang counterpart.

I had four days off to go back home to Vancouver, and it was a whirlwind weekend. I spent time with family, old friends, and made a new one. I shopped, ate, and chopped my hair. It was a productive extended weekend, even though it seemed like it ended way too soon.

The haircut was the most stressful part of my trip home. I always end up with hair anxiety, this time was no exception. Continue reading

The Biggest Loser, Hotel Edition.

As I’ve mentioned, for the next two months I’m traveling for work and living out of a suitcase in Fort St. John. Initially I was discouraged during my first trip here right before Christmas, but after some time off and making some real headway at work I’m super pumped about being here. I’ve decided to take these two months and use them to my full advantage, making my primary focus (aside from work) exercise and fitness. Continue reading

Resolving to be Resolute

Christmas came and went. New Year’s Eve is fast approaching. I flew home to Winnipeg for Christmas, and I knew I would want to indulge in all of the fine Filipino cuisine my Dad would be cooking up, and wanting to gorge myself on my Auntie Jocie’s shortbread cookies. So I told myself in advance that I wasn’t going to use myfitnesspal and I was going to give myself free reign over the holidays. The week before, when I was up in Fort St. John was a big loss week, I lost 6 lbs without even working out very hard.

I came home a few days ago, and after 5 days of eating garbage, going out for drinks and generally misbehaving I haven’t lost a pound (I haven’t gained either). This is one of the first weeks that I’ve completely stalled out, and I felt like garbage as well. After being home for a few days and eating clean and high protein I already feel sooooooo much better.

It’s that time of year when everyone spews out their bullshit resolutions that are so specific and unattainable. I typically don’t put much thought into them because I’d spent so many years saying “this year I’m going to get healthy” and then never following through. This year I didn’t make a resolution, but I made the biggest change in my life, I decided to own my obesity and change the path that I was on. Continue reading

Weight Loss and Self-esteem, the Legend.

I like to keep myself well-informed about the ideologies within the weight loss community and their different sects. I’ve liked to keep myself well-informed long before I made the choice to lose weight. Immersing myself in different articles, blogs and documentaries I’ve always found one recurring theme, people who have lost tremendous amounts of weight claim to have found their long-lost self-esteem. They rave about how they now carry themselves differently, that their perception of who they are has changed completely. I feel the exact opposite, and it makes me wonder, am I the exception to the rule or am I one of the few who is willing to admit that they are more unsure of who they are now than ever before?

Who wouldn’t feel different? 100 pounds is a hell of a lot of weight to lose in 5 months. That’s the size of a baby hippopotamus (seriously, I googled). For every change that I notice physically there are just as many that I’m oblivious too. When I do become aware of a change I become even more concerned with if the change is noticeable to other people, if they approve, and most importantly if I look strange. I know that my close friends must be so frustrated with my interrogations, “Do I look weird?”, “Does my face look like a muppet?”, “Do my legs look too scrawny?”. I was never this outwardly insecure until now. I feel like I need more reassurance. Skyping with my 7-year-old cousin and needing him to tell me I don’t look strange is a regular occurrence these days. My favorite part is that his response this last time was that I didn’t look weird but I looked like I needed a shower.

So when does this new-found self-esteem kick in? At what point to I stop feeling uncomfortable in my own skin? Will I ever feel comfortable in my own skin? These are the questions I’m struggling with these days. I’m sure that part of me thought that I would be like these weight lost poster children who lose a fuck-ton of weight and then are miraculously these happy, shiny people who like to run 5k’s. That’s not me. I still feel like I’m 300+ lbs. My mind hasn’t caught up with my body yet.

This is What 90 Looks Like

Most people would celebrate once they’ve lost 100 pounds. But I’m celebrating at 90. Why? Because I’m fucking stoked, that’s why. I never thought that I’d ever see the day that I would have been able to say with 100% confidence that I have officially lost 90 pounds.

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I am beyond proud of myself, and I physically feel amazing. The next step is reconciling in my mind that I’m not the same person.

Meet Me Halfway

I’ve been awol.

Being unemployed really took the wind out of my sails (among other things), and I just didn’t feel like expressing any of my feelings because they were almost all negative.  But now I’m in a better head space. I have good people around me, one in particular who continues to be continually positive, even when I don’t necessarily deserve it.

So here I am, nearly 4 months post op. 84 pounds of weight that I’ll never see again.  66 pounds until I’ve met my ultimate goal. The thought is crazy. If you would have asked me a year ago if I thought I’d be 84 pounds lighter I would have called you a liar. But here I am. I would have been a freshman in high school the last time I was this weight.

Aside from feeling lighter, there are so many physical aspects that I’m starting to notice.

  • I can run in kickboxing, and keep up in general
  • I can cross my legs with ease
  • When I’m stretching I can bring my knees up to my chest
  • Every single piece of clothing I own is loose
  • Even my shoes are loose
  • I have visible collar bones
  • *TMI* I can be on top during sex and not feel self conscious

Of course there are a few downsides;

  • I’m losing insane amounts of hair (I knew this would happen and I’m dealing with it the best way I can)
  • I have no tits or ass anymore (they were the first things to go)
  • I am lacking iron, so I have massive under eye circles
  • Since all of my clothes are loose everything looks kind of sloppy, but I refuse to buy a ton of new clothes until I’m where I’ll be maintaining.

I just want to touch on the hair loss for a minute. The hair loss business has been really hard for me. This is probably because I’m a girl that had jungle hair. I had an abundance of thick, coarse, curly hair. It has thinned out like crazy, and I was getting to the point where after a shower I would have to inspect my scalp because the handfuls that were coming out in the shower were outrageous.  My doctor explained that this would be temporary, that it’s very common starting between month 3-4. So I’ve done what I can do to deal with it. I’ve cut a solid 6 inches off (it was nearly waist length), I’ve made sure I’m taking enough zinc and biotin, and I’ve started using Nioxin. Having worked in the beauty industry before I know that Nioxin doesn’t make your hair grow. People have this misconception that they can use it and all of a sudden they’ll have beautiful, lush hair. That’s not the case. What it does it removes all of the gunk on your scalp and creates an optimal environment for your hair to grow. So for someone like me it’s perfect, but if you’re bald it’s not gonna make your hair come back. It’s a three step system and I seriously recommend it.

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But to be quite honest, the hair loss and the changes are completely worth the energy I feel, and the longer life I know I’m going to have because of it. I’m half way there and excited for the rest of this challenge.